Stop, Drop, and Roll!

It makes me sad when best friends aren't best friends anymore...

I was just looking through a bunch of pictures (namely Poofs pictures) from my sophomore year at Smith, and the pictures from Middlebury/Senior Banquet/Senior Week made me miss all the good times I've had with certain people who no longer seem interested in my friendship. It's weird to think back on those seemingly invincible connections, having little or no idea how they dissolved so abruptly. I can't even begin to comprehend what the fuck happened to me this past semester. It feels like someone just pulled the rug right out from underneath me, and I haven't been able to get my shit back together since then. Even when I try to focus on individual losses, I can't make sense of anything. I just remember being in an extremely bad place and then realizing that some of my closest allies were nowhere to be found. Honestly, I'm in such a ridiculous mood right now. I should probably delete all of this right now, but I'm feeling so fucking absurd, and I hadn't updated this in a while, so I figured I'd write about it unintelligibly.

I went to a new psychologist on Wednesday. I already have a homework assignment: to write a letter to my dad. I don't have to give him the letter, of course, but I'm supposed to write it as if I were going to. I'm extremely hopeful that, if nothing else, being home for the rest of the year will allow me the time and space to be fully committed to these weekly sessions...which is mildly ironic since being home, I'm sure, will contribute a great deal to my waning mental health...but, no matter how fiercely I try to deny it, getting back into therapy has been a long time coming, and as painful and prolonged as this entire process is going to be, I need it. I just hate the prospect of having to "catch up" a new psychologist on my entire back story, but waiting could only make it harder in the end, so I'm trying my best to come to terms with the fact that I'm making the best possible choice ever by doing this right now.

I hate not being employed, and I hate feeling so fucking lonely and unproductive all the time. It's not as if I don't have friends around; there are plenty of people to play with, and I do my fair share of that, but life has generally just felt very unengaging lately. I feel as if I'm just going through the motions without much thought or effort, and that is really the worst feeling ever.

But everything comes back to me feeling totally helpless and clueless as to why this past semester had to be THE SEMESTER to change the course of the rest of my life - from not graduating on time to having to live at home again (ugh...) to being forced (quite literally) to address several issues I had conveniently filed away for "safe keeping." I really just want to cry right now, but I don't even think I could pinch the tears out of my eyes at this point. I did cry after leaving the psychologist's office on Wednesday - briefly, for about 2 minutes, maybe - and that is the last time I cried in at least 2 months. Isn't that absurd? All of this is absurd, and I'm certain I shouldn't be writing about this in some fucking weblog...but if not here, where?

Meh...I'm tired in more ways than one. I did my "Pilates for Dummies" workout DVD tonight as well as some light weight training. Here's to gaining 10 pounds since, like, April. How much does that fucking suck? Seriously, it's totally going to be gone by mid-July. Totally. I just have to stop eating sugar. Cutting down on my salt intake probably wouldn't hurt either. Yes...

I am trying to enroll in two more classes for the summer - Statistics and Intro. to Psych. I've decided to fulfill the psychology major at Smith according to the new requirements now, which is why I have to go back and take Intro. to Psych. I hope I get into both classes even though I don't really feel like taking summer school (or doing much of anything). I need to busy myself, though, otherwise I am not going to survive the summer. I also need money so that I can visit Mr. Amin in Vancouver as well as some pretty ladies in the NY area.

Ummm...okay...enough. You've probably stopped reading by this point, but if you haven't, congratulations: you're a trooper. Goodnight.